Don’t judge me!

No one wants to be judged.  There are few absolute statements that are true, and that is one of them.  It is our nature to want to be seen and heard as people, not viewed through the lens of our mistakes or differences.  We all know mistakes and bad things are a part of the human experience.  There is a difference though between judging a person in a condemning way, and noticing a destructive behavior and mentioning it to that person. As much as we don’t like to be judged, people also don’t like seeing their loved ones commit to destructive behaviors.

Ever notice that those who complain about certain behaviors in others are often guilty of it themselves?  I can certainly raise my hand for that one.  After all, this post is directed at me as much as anyone.  The same thing applies to “Don’t judge me!” How many times have we spouted that or complained about judging someone when we are judging others in the same breath.

To compound this issue, constructive criticism of behavioral choices are often confused with judging.  You think I’m posting too much political stuff on social media? Judging. You think I shouldn’t smoke as I drive with my kids in the back seat of the car? Judging. You think I should let go of the past because I’m letting bitterness poison my life? Judging. None of these examples are truly judging if the other person said it in gentleness and kindness, with your best interest at heart. To judge someone is no calling out destructive, immature, or unbecoming behavior. Judging someone is to condemn them, to see them as defined by their behavior and that behavior makes them less than you are, or at worst worthy of Hell.

Anymore, it seems that people cannot take criticism without blowing it off as “you are just judging me!” Certainly, people can be judgmental over the examples I listed above, and context must always be considered. The issue I take is that most people are all too ready to assume intent or get defensive when we can all learn something. If a loved one mentions we should maybe try a different approach, it isn’t necessarily a judgement, it might just be what we need to hear.

Just because everyone believes…

We all undoubtedly have memories of doing something stupid and our parents saying something like “if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you do that too?” The point, just because other people are doing something doesn’t mean we should do it too.  This is one of the major themes in my latest short story.

Most of us know intellectually that following the crowd and believing what others believe just because it’s popular is not healthy.  However, most people are still guilty of this.  I know I have been.  It is hard being the odd person out.  Humans desire to have belonging among other people because we are social creatures so it becomes easier than we like to compromise our beliefs, or at best downplay them.  How many kids swear they will never smoke, but do that exact same thing when they are a little older because their friends are doing it?

It is easy to spew platitudes about thinking for ourselves and doing our own thing, but in practice it is far more difficult.  This is the inspiration for my latest book The Cursed Forest.  There are many odd beliefs circulating lately that I would wager most people who adhere to them don’t really know why they believe it.  Look no further than our current political climate.  How many people vote simply because there is a “D” or an “R” after a candidate’s name?  His desire to fit in, I believe, is the driving factor behind the tribalism in our culture.

How many dangerous ideas spread quickly due to fear of what others might think?  Children’s television shows constantly teach “being your own person “but some adults don’t adhere to this logic though.  Take a look no further than the atrocities of the 20th century.  Sadly, history is replete with examples of group think and allowing or attributing to terrible things.  The best way to curb this is to know why we believe what we believe and to resist compromising our believers because an ideology is popular.